Today all I am hearing is that Sally Ride came out publicly in her obituary, perhaps a courageous thing to some and a cowardly act to others. Cowardly only in that she did not live out and proud in the gay political arena as some would have preferred. She suffered for18 months from the pancreatic cancer that would eventually kill her. I have no doubt that in those months, the wording of her obituary was discussed and that it was fully a joint decision to honor their long term relationship by including the line that she was survived by her partner of 27 years, Tam O'Shaughnessy. To me it was wonderful that her partner was being acknowledged, but sad that it took her death to allow it. For what reason was it not known while she was alive? We shall never know. Perhaps they felt no reason to make any public announcement.
There are lots of shades of black, white and grey in the world of gay couples. There are those who choose to live asexual lives or spend their lives in denial, while living a straight life. There are those who are completely closeted, who tell no one, people who to all appearances live a straight life. There are people with "beards", a gay person who has a person of the opposite sex accompany them and appear as a date when out in public. There are those who marry people of the opposite sex and continue their gay lives with or without their spouses knowledge. On the other end of the spectrum are the militant and political gays who are on the front lines of fighting for rights and the repeal of DOMA, the federal Defense of Marriage Act which states that marriage is between a man and a woman, effectively excluding federal recognition of same sex marriages.
The great majority of gay couples are comprised of people who are just trying to live fairly quiet normal lives as Sally and Tam did, with different degrees of being out. Personally I just live my life, I am neither closeted or out, I am just me. My friends and family know and if it comes up in conversation with other people, I will tell them. I do it on a "need to know" basis. I have never had any issues with people attacking or disapproving of my lifestyle at least not in a way I have found out about it. Honesty is usually the best policy, I believe.
Sally and Tam had nothing to prove to the world at large. They needed no approval of anything that went on behind the closed doors of their lives, not financially, not domestically and certainly not sexually,. Who wore the pants? Does it matter? Perhaps both did, at different times. I do not know Sally and Tam and their life stories so I won't assume to guess but sometimes in the world of lesbians as in my own life, there is a masculine and feminine energy, a butch and a femme if you will. I have always been the butch in my relationships with women. I am domestically challenged but can fix anything. I would rather change the oil in the car than to change the curtains. Seems the only thing I couldn't really fix are my own relationship issues.
I did take note that Sally had been married to a man from 1982 through 1987, a fellow U.S. astronaut Steve Hawley. Steve had nothing but good things to say about Sally publicly after her death, although we are not privy to his thoughts in relation to their marriage and/or divorce, there did not seem to be any animosity. I was married to a man for roughly 13 years. Does the fact that Sally and I both married men make us any less lesbians than those who never married? I don't think so. Coming out is a personal journey for everyone. I envy my niece who came out as a young teenager. She made the point to announce it to her immediate and extended family on an otherwise unremarkable day when she was 11 or 12 years old. My then ex-husband called me and told me. He said, "you were right about Alex". It took me back to a day at least 10 years before, when little Alex was playing in a pile of fresh dirt, climbing in and out of a wheelbarrow on the front lawn. I, with my super-tuned gaydar announced to my then husband that our niece, Alex, was gay. He asked me how I knew that, I assured him that I just did. I had already divorced my husband and come out of the closet by the time my niece made her announcement and I was so glad she would not go the route I did. Denial is a difficult thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It is not a conscious suppression and it is not a form of lying. It is a self protection from horrendous things which are more imaginary than real.
Many gay people do marry before eventually coming out, others stay married for many different reasons. I am so happy that I made the decision to be who I was meant to be, my only regret was that it involved other people. For me it was just something that once I admitted to myself could no longer be denied. I was gay and inside of myself I reached down deep and found the courage to deal with what I had to deal with. I could not remain married to a man when I knew I was gay. It was a hard few years but we did eventually divorce. In the end I was rewarded with the most wonderful sense of empowerment. I wish it had happened earlier. It didn't. But I will always remember my time of coming out as the absolute best time of my life.
After almost 17 years with a beautiful woman, we are struggling with the end of the longest relationship of my life. There were lots of inequities in the relationship on both sides but I think one of the biggest obstacles for me was in the definition of the relationship itself. Adding to that issue was the fact that I had once been married. We had both been married if the truth be told. I will not speak for her but I know that caused a problem for me. DOMA, states that marriage is between a man and woman. When I became engaged to my husband, people were put on notice, a wedding shower was planned and held, gifts were given. When I legally married, I became one in the eyes of the law, with my husband. The IRS considered us one. Federal, state and local govt considered us one. Even our families were given no choice but to consider that our status within the family had changed. We now had an official anniversary date. My husband and I moved in together, our union was celebrated with a big wedding complete with well-wishes and gifts from our friends. We went on a honeymoon We began to plan for a future, to plan a lifetime in which we would put our mutual well-being ahead of anything else. We would put each other ahead of everyone else. The laws of the country also assured us that our marriage would grant us many, many rights over the course of the union that would protect us in our quest to take care of each other in a realistic yet loving way.
In an interview with Sally Ride's sister, Bear, herself a lesbian, states that "We consider Tam a member of the family." This statement bothers me. Nothing against Bear and the wording she chose but shouldn't it have been, Tam 'is a member of our family'? After 27 years together, should there have been any doubt that she was part of the family? In a hetero relationship, the minute the "I do's" are said, not only do the bride and groom become family but their entire extended families entwine and there are all types of customary titles bestowed on each member of the now-joined family, Mother-in-law, sister-in-law and so on.
When my female partner and I began our relationship, it was quite different. There was no fanfare, no gifts, no public announcements, no legal rights granted. We had to decide on a date that would become our anniversary. Which would it be? the day we met?, the day we consummated the relationship?, the day we agreed to be a committed couple?. We chose Fri the 13th, the day we met. No one celebrated the union except us. Because it was a gay union, it was perfectly okay for members of the family to ignore that we had begun a long term relationship. There were no specific names that were magically conferred on the members of the extended families. Within the relationship there were issues of how we defined ourselves. I was allowed no PDAs, something that killed much of our spontaneity. I wasn't even allowed a peck on the cheek in the house near a window for fear someone would see in. We lived together for 10 years on a block that I would not consider filled with prudish people but yet, I had to conduct myself as if we were only friends. I am sure they all knew the true nature of our relationship and I don't believe any of them would have been shocked if I had given her a peck on the cheek or grabbed her hand in a moment of happiness. To keep the peace I had to keep my distance. As a facebook user I tried to live my life openly and honestly but I was only allowed to list myself as "in a relationship". I could never allude to who my partner was. I could never post pictures of us together unless we were in "innocent" group shots. This was the person I loved, the person I was proud to be with but I had to pretend that she was only my friend. I wonder if Sally and Tam struggled with the same issues or if both were okay to keep it to themselves. I struggled so much with my own coming out that it made it very difficult for me to hide the true nature of my relationship. It hurt that I had to and it took its toll.
The older I got, the more mortality reared its head and I began to understand that without certain legal rights we could not ensure each others well being without expending a great deal of time, money and energy. We did have a few discussions as gay marriage became a possibility in New York State and I think we understood that we wanted the nice parts of marriage but were unsure if we wanted the legal union as we had already been growing apart. Eventually our relationship collapsed and from my perspective, not having legal rights and protections that bind heterosexual couples was a big part of that collapse. I do know that without the support of family and friends, it was easy to let it collapse. Most people will encourage you to fight for a marriage before you walk away. Except for a few friends who let me know they supported the relationship, most didn't understand why I would stay when perhaps I could be happier elsewhere. The simple answer is that I still consider us married until there is absolutely nothing left. 16+ years is a long time. I don't know if we are there yet or not. But in the end, it is about love as it should be. If this relationship does not survive and somewhere in the future, I find myself in another relationship, I want my partner to be proud of who we are. I want the freedom to give my love a quick public peck on the cheek if the moment is right. I think that is important. If you don't value your own relationship, how can anyone else?
Sally Ride and Tam O'Shaughnessy loved each other. A few close friends and family members were aware of their committed relationship but publicly they were acknowledged as "close friends" until Ms. Rides' obituary was published yesterday. However Tam and Sally legally protected each other is their personal business and as they were remarkably intelligent and wealthy women, I am hoping that they did go to their lawyers and do all that was available to them as a final expression of their love. As far as the gov't is concerned, there will be no survivor rights for Tam and that is a travesty. This nation should hang its head. Sally Ride was a national hero and a mentor to so many young women. Some of those women will be gay. They will fall in love with other women. They will spend their lives together. It is time that DOMA is overturned, It is time the Gov't grants equal rights to all its citizens. Where is the land of the brave and the free? Perhaps one day the work that Sally Ride did will enable a manned spaceship named Courage to land on an inhabited planet where equality is not just a political football.
Rest in Peace Sally Ride.
My condolences, Tam O'Shaughnessy.
Beautifully said, Maura!
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