My personal collection of statuses, tweets and one-liners

• You're not yourself today...I noticed the improvement immediately!!

•  Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.
  
• Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you’re wrong, admit it, and, when you’re right, shut up.
  
• “Just kidding!”- Most popular lie in the world
   
• Me? Ignorant? I don’t know the meaning of the word!
   
•  Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.
   
• Power’s out at the mall. I’m stuck on the escalator. Send help! Sent from my SmartPhone
   
•  The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
   
• It’s easy to believe someone when they tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear.
   
• there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.
   
• There’s always that one special person that no matter what they’ve done to you, you just can’t let them go.
   
• The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..
    
• Don't you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
   
• "Because" - the number 1 most hated answer to any question
   
•  In a perfect world you'd be able to mark people as spam in real life.
   
•  When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.
   
• my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships.
   
• I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.
   
• My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion.
   
• .Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.
   
• If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for
   
• Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
   
• My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
   
• "Can I call you right back?" is how I end boring conversations.
   
• i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away.
   
• This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
   
• There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.
   
• It's an awesome burden being the only person in America who understands how a four-way stop works.
   
• I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.
   
• This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.
   
• The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have
   
• I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.
   
• I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!
   
• Ladies: Don’t over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book
   
• I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.
   
• you see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge.
   
• In dog beers, I’ve only had one.
   
• says what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)
   
• Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.
   
• So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?
   
• Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?
   
• too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor
   
• If ‘real life’ was really that great, Facebook wouldn’t be so darn addictive.
   
• I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.
   
• Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and then forget where we left them.
   
• I either get what I want or I change my mind.
   
• That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.
   
• Got pulled over today and cop said “papers”.. So I said scissors.. I WIN!!
   
• Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
  
   
• Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.
   
• I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."
   
• Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
   
• wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
   
• I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.
   
• Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot
   
• Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.
   
• I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.
  
  
• Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer
   
• You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.
   
• How many times of day can you worry about being pecked to death by a flock of seagulls before it finally comes true?
   
• so....now that the holidays is over....can I please go back to being an ungrateful b*stard????
   
• I looked fear straight in the eye and......it blinked
   
• Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.
   
• How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?
•  I just saw a butterfly with a tramp tattooed on its back!!....
•  Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
•  If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
•  If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
•  Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
•  It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
•  Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
•  Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Do witches run spell checkers?
•  I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.
•  Cupid, let’s be serious… What do you have against me?
•  Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night
• was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care
• doesn't have enough middle fingers for today.
• In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.